Downward Spiral
by Kiliko
Summary: Brainy can't get over the fact of what he did. He's depressed, and has a lack of experience with his emotions. And they suck him into a downward spiral...one that'll get WAY worse before it gets better. Rated T for attempted suicide, and angstness. Also, I deleted the song lyrics in Chapter 1, so now it's kinda short.
1. Chapter 1

**Shrinking Violet's POV**

I couldn't believe my luck at first. Cos called a meeting to tell us that Brainy was coming back. We'd all missed him, especially me. I had so much to tell him! We got everything ready for him. There was even a welcome banner for him in the foyer. Alas, the happiness couldn't last.

Brainy hadn't come back by choice. Cos had gone to visit him, and determining that he wasn't well, literally made him come back. And it wasn't that he was sick, at least not for the most part. He was mentally sick. As in losing his MIND sick. I was really confused when he walked in. Aside from looking a little tired, he appeared to be fine. He _appeared _to be. Things are always what they seem. He insisted he wasn't crazy. But he _was_ depressed. Anyone could see that.

Little did I know that he would only get worse.

**Brainy's POV**

Cosmic Boy came to my apartment two days ago. He somehow managed to get my address, and decided to visit me to see how I was doing. Upon his arrival, he immediately began to become concerned about my emotional state, and suggested that I return. I balked at very idea, but he refused to take no for an answer, and so here I am. It's as if he thinks I'm crazy or something.

Or something.

I'm not crazy. I'm guilty, is what I am. Of course, they keep telling me it isn't my fault. _HE _made me do it. However, it was my decision to let him access me-or rather, my mainframe-knowing there was a chance that he could take over. And that was a chance that he dutifully took advantage of. Now everyone seems so cool toward me, as if nothing was wrong. But deep down, I know that they don't trust me. They feel as though it could happen again. And because I am human, the chance is at least much lower. But I wonder if there is a chance. And if there is…

The truth is, I'm worried about myself. Not that I'm going crazy, but there has to be something wrong with me.

I'm not losing my mind, I don't know why they don't believe me…

They pretend to have forgiven me because I seem so down. But as soon as I show signs of healing, they'll all jump on me. I know it.

I can't stand it…having everyone stop talking every time I walk into a room…furtive glances from random teammates, as though I'm about to break down at any moment. Sometimes, I think I will…

I think I have a problem.

I need help.

But who's going to help me…

I'm so sorry. I have a chronic disability to finish a story before I publish a new one. Sorry again...


	2. Chapter 2

**Cosmic Boy's POV**

Now normally, I'm a stickler for rules. Technically, Brainy should have been kicked out of the Legion for his previous actions. But since it wasn't entirely his fault, and because he appears to be genuinely sorry, I let him back in. But he's done nothing but get worse since he returned. And even though there is no way something like that could happen again, since he's human, he seems to believe that there is. And he thinks we believe it, too. I keep trying to send for help, but every time I get somewhere, we have to rush off for a call, leaving him alone. I can only hope that this is a phase he's going through, and that he'll eventually recover. Because if he doesn't-

-we might have quite a bit of a problem.

**Lightning Lad's POV**

I'm glad to see Cos is finally coming around. He seems to be really worried about Brainy. We all are, but before that little visit, he was always talking about how much trouble he was going to be in when he got back. During that little phase, we fought a lot-even more than usual. Needless to say, I'm happy to see that Cos finally pulled his head out of his butt. It seems to spend a lot of time there. I don't see much of Brainy. He's really down lately, and spends more time in his room than he used to. When I speak to him in passing, he doesn't even look me in the face. Come to think of it, he doesn't look anyone in the face. Not even Vi, which is really breaking her heart. She was really hoping that he'd be closer to her now he's human. Poor thing, she's been crushing on him, like, forever. I really hope he gets over this. Right now, he isn't much fun to be around.

**Brainy's POV**

I have come to the conclusion that my teammates are not conspiring against me. They have forgiven me and are genuinely concerned about my welfare. This explains all of the late-night conversations that always seem to end the second I enter the room. But I don't feel as though I deserve it. After all I've done…

After all, there are members that continually push for my immediate release (ahem, Nemesis Kid) but no one likes him anyway. I am concerned with those whom I don't have close contact with, however, and so I haven't slightest idea of their feelings toward me. Ironically, these are the people I have wronged greatly. I have an idea. I will call Cosmic Boy and ask him to call a meeting. Perhaps if I issue a public apology, I will be able to live with my guilt. But it's got to work. I have no experience with these emotions, yet I fear I am experiencing them at their worst. I fear, if I live with this guilt much longer, it will tear me apart.

* * *

Will Brainy's plan work? Will he be able to live with his guilt? Stay tuned!


	3. Chapter 3

Cosmic Boy's POV:

Brainy finally spoke to me today. He wants me to call the present members to a meeting so that he can give them an official apology for his actions. I think it's a good idea. Maybe if he can take responsibility for…for what happened, he might finally be able to get on with his life. Nobody likes seeing him like this-not even me.

Well, not exactly. There are a select few who believe the Legion should forget him and just move on. I used to be a part of that group. But visiting his apartment that fateful day, I realized that it wasn't that simple. To neglect his current state would be to neglect the Legionnaires' oath-to aid my fellow Legionnaire in his time of peril. However, some still advocate his expulsion.

Nemesis Kid has proved to live to his name in more ways than one. I used to like him, but his demeanor seems to challenge my authority. What am I supposed to do with someone who hasn't been in the Legion a year and behaves as though he was here from the start? I'm just saying, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. But I'm off my point…I believe this is a good idea. I will now go and inform him of my decision.

Brainy's POV

Cosmic Boy seems to think that I should go through with my apology. I halfway wished he'd have told me that I didn't need to, and that he understood what had happened, because I have no idea how I'm going to do this. I guess I'll just have to-to borrow the colloquialism- "wing it."

Later…

I feel like I have failed. I don't know how I got through that speech. If I once expected it to make me feel better about myself, I was sadly mistaken. Maybe it was my being unprepared and stumbling over my words, or the fact that no one really paid attention, or the ones that didn't seem to want to accept my words. Nemesis Kid actually threw something at my head while I was talking. The fact that he's on suspension now does nothing to raise my spirits. I had to leave the room running. Now I'm in my new room, curled in a tight ball in bed because I feel like I'm going to explode and this is the only way I can hold myself together. I never want to leave this bed again. But I must. When I sit up, I see my glass ornament sitting on my bedside table. I pick up it rather unconsciously, thinking of how long I've had it-it was given to me as a gift, and I used it as a paperweight, before-

I throw it, watching it sail through the air before it hits the floor and shatters, and it doesn't make me feel any better. Then I lie back down in the bed feeling drained, as if destroying the ornament had used every bit of energy in me, and before long, I had fallen asleep.

Even later…

When I awoke several hours later, it was around midnight. I tried to go back to sleep, but I could not, so I just sat up and stared into space. It had not been so long since it happened. It would take a while before everyone could forgive me for what I had done. But I could never forgive myself. I joined the Legion to right the wrongs my ancestor had done, and not only had I been blatantly confronted with them, I had become a part of them. I had failed. The reality of that had been sinking slowly into my bones since what few had called my victory. I had to wonder, was it something in me? Was there something in my soul that was captivated by his twisted morals-something that despised every trace of my now exposed humanity? And more importantly, was it still there?

I can't stand these thoughts. Yet they keep growing, multiplying like cancer, and I cannot get rid of them. They follow me everywhere, so that they drive me crazy, sometimes I feel like screaming. Instead, I just stare bleakly into space, paralyzed by the torrent of self-doubt that washes over me when I am alone.

Yet alone I stay, possibly afraid to be in the presence of others? Every attempt I make to associate with my fellow teammates ends in disaster. They do not attempt to reassure me, when something goes wrong, they just shake their heads and turn away. "Oh well…it's ok. It doesn't matter."

Do I matter? Or am I another problem?

My head sank onto my arms. Lowering my gaze, I noticed the glittering shards of glass still lying on the floor. Almost hypnotically, I slid onto the floor. Next to my foot, there was a sliver of glass about an inch long. I stared at it, watching little flecks of color dance within it as I moved to look more closely at it. Along its sharp edges, it was bright white, gleaming in the florescent lighting. It was twisted and rippled along the edges as well. I reached out and picked it up…

…and it cut me. Blood dripped freely from my fingertips. I got up, being careful not to step on the rest of the glass, and went to rinse off the blood in the bathroom sink. Watching the bloody water swirl down the drain, I realized something. The cut didn't hurt. In fact, it almost felt good…

I tried to force the thought out of my mind. Self-mutilation is never the answer to anyone's problem; it is an addiction and quickly becomes a problem. But I guess I thought I could handle it. Come to think of it, there were a lot of things I once thought I could handle. I watched the dark liquid run down my arm and tried to tell myself I wasn't doing what I was doing.

* * *

You're right, Brainy. Self-mutilation is BAD. And yet you're doing it anyway. _Sigh..._


End file.
